Old Fashioned Misfits

I was thinking of maybe being positive for a change, but then as I went about my daily doings the title of this instalment kept flashing through my head. I was thinking along the lines of picnics and children frolicking through meadows in this majestic and well deserved sun. But all the while, as these fleeting images were conjuring up fervent images of joy and hope, all that was going through my brain was the actuality of social misfits.

I am one. Born of one aspirational mother of married "posh" decent, whose mother abandoned her children to successfully snare an actual (papers have declared it) Tycoon, and one father who by marrying my mother was moved right up into the dizzy heights of extreme wealth, notoriety of bastard proportions from the peaceful / tough realms of a bullying father and an over compensatory mother from the badlands of Isleworth and Sunbury. A marriage that was fraught with warring families and obvious social disparity that ended in acrimonious divorce. Not the best of starts in life, then the death of my mother when I was 13, apparently lead to me being labelled as a homeless 13 year old by one knowing psychologist. With all this baggage, is a wonder that I even dared have children, as we very much know that the apple never falls far from the tree, but nature tricked me and provided me with the two most precious things a life could ever call for, our daughters.

Anyhow, digression is my forte, as we know. The other day I was semi invited and duly followed, into the, as I saw it, Dragon's Den of mothers from my daughters school. I am, as I seem to have mentioned in almost every piece, a total and utter social spastic, for want of a better word. I become paralysed when meeting people, unless it's an exceptionally good day and the person I am meeting is a little bit more on a back foot than me. I become weirdly depressed and heavy of heart and what is tantamount to a fart comes out of my well educated mouth. People around me, particularly the person introducing me, get uncomfortable and it's not long before they cast me aside and wait until the time that I have become so swollen with angst that I leave. True story. This is what my children have to follow, this is the example that I have seen I set. What hope do they have of becoming confident, well rounded individuals, when there mother is an ellipse, a bad one at that, of inadequacies and baggage that cannot be shifted?

I hate the school playground at drop off, and weirdly enough, so does my daughter. I try very hard to put a brave face on it, but those farts just line up at the exit to my mouth and all I really want to do is dump and run. But I can't, my daughter won't let me, because she too has farts where words should be. I tell her, I think, as a vain attempt to get her to where I am still trying to get, that "remember, you are 10 foot tall and eat lions for breakfast." I make her repeat that mantra, probably also a little bit so that we can waste time in the hope that the bell will go and she can run into the classroom where everything is in the teacher's control.

She is amazing my eldest, and when on form she commands her little sister and her peers as efficiently and admirably as any dictator, so it's there, as it is with most of us, but at those times when it's sort of most important it eludes her, and me, and we're left farting on the corner like the apple that fell not so far from this tree.

My youngest has harnessed all of these neuroses and pulled them around her like a Rhinoceros skin and she just barges through many situations and completely switches off if something is being said or done that she doesn't like. Again, not what the handbook would tell one to do, but it's very hard to veer her out of this, because when talking to her, right after you say her name, she tuned into a better life where things happen that she is fully involved in.

My children, as I have mentioned, as I am sure yours are too, are the most precious things the world has ever provided me with, but it's my pollarded tree branches that are causing the apples to wobble, and eventually land, if not right under, then certainly within spitting distance of my arbre. With this in mind therefore, I need to get to the bottom of the baggage and check some of it in surely, but where the hell to start? Old fashioned are these misfits, we want new world confidence at all occasions, no?

People

It has not gone unnoticed by Eagle Eyes me, that there are other humans out there who also do this blog thing and keep up with it on a regular basis, they probably have a readership that would make me blush, but the people who read them are probably as vacuous and insincere as the words on the pages. I mean no harm to all other parent bloggers, but I do beg on bended knee, that if you should find it in you, you should tout me about, let's see if we can't drag a few more bastards down with us, hmm?

Anyhoo, rumour has it, that there are other parents out there who have slipped out of the almighty ring of "ahhhmaazing Children" where dusters, rather than gloves, are used every round and instead of fighting, they are just loving and caring and sharing, mmm mmm, Amen to that sister! Just be sure, that I will find you, the rose tinted glasses have been put in the same place as the favourite things that my children cannot keep hold of, so we have to improvise or replenish. Yes, they, glasses, not children, have vanished into oblivion and I, like the boy in Sixth sense sees dead people, I see real things. It is a curse, but it also helps me reconcile the fact that actually, if someone is telling me about their child's perfection, I can see that "charlie always flushes the loo when he's finished!" or whatever, actually means "Charlie flushes the loo when he's finished, because if he doesn't we beat him with a cat o'nine tails until we think he's remembered!" Or "our children are really good sleepers" is often code for, "our children sleep really well because by the time they get to bed at 3am, they've physically and mentally run out of options!" or "our children eat really well" can also mean "we starve our children so that when they sit down their eyes are on the prize!". It's not always the case, but it make me feel better to imagine that it is, so I'm running with it. Some people are probably really good at this parenting thing, but that doesn't help me, so I'm just casting that aside for bitter vitriol, it's so much more therapeutic.

The last couple of weekends or so, I have found myself in the company of lovely people who tell it like it is, who admit that their children, whom they love dearly, are satanic at most stages of the game, but there are those occasions when you feel that the balance has been redressed and you no longer pick holes in your judgement. The little mites that you see before you aren't so bad and you don't worry about your foundations as a human being, or wonder where the hell it went wrong, and if this truly is how it is, why the hell reproduction is still so totally en vogue?

A friend of ours said she'd been on a parent gym course, sounds amazing, I shall, and indeed have been, thinking about it a lot and hopefully, one day, before end my children, I shall send myself on it, but again, the holy grail of book  "How to Listen so Your Kids Will Talk and Talk so Your Kids Will Listen" was touted as the thing to follow. A copy is still definitely by my bed, my youngest asked me to read it to her on Sunday morning. I duly did, and about two sentences in I realised that I should really get back on and read it. The parenting struggle is a long one, and in the end, hopefully your children'll leave home and become sentient beings, high fives, pat on the back, job done!

This weekend, we were invited out to supper for a friend's birthday party, he probably regrets it now, but we had a great time. My husband and I took our panting spaniel A game and were positioned in between people neither of us knew. I'm never great at these things, but now that we're in the country I have to pant a little harder and try hard to make friends and influence people, or at the very least, as is often the case, make people tolerate me. The people either side of me were also good parental citizens, and we put the worlds to right. Best comment of the year so far, was from one of the guys who was telling me about the lunch that he'd had with his child. Long and short of it was, that he'd had one of those times when the child had erupted into something that neither parent could wholly recognise as human, and the father had prayed that he'd warn a T-shirt saying that he actually has two children, just the other one was at home ill, and that they weren't parents who couldn't cope with only one child, they were parents who regularly couldn't cope with two children. A classic that made me laugh and realise that we are all, truly, in the same boat.

I don't want to say it, but I sort of have to at this juncture, I love children, but I couldn't eat a whole one! You have to, don't you?
  

End of Term

Yep, it's that time of year when schools nationwide selfishly relinquish responsibility for the care of our children, it's madness. Solid weeks with your children, perish the thought, venereal disease is probably easier, but on the plus side, no school run!

I was massively excited about my eldest breaking up for the holidays, despite the fact that it means I now have two of them at home, I have gone wild in the isles for the whole thing.

Geaster (as my youngest labelled it) holidays were kicked off nicely yesterday with a monumentally long Easter celebration service. My youngest lasted about 10 whole good minutes before farting, laughing at the farts and then humming loudly, climbing under everyone's chairs and standing on my lap so that no one behind us could see. That was amazing.

We've, all three of us, decorated an Easter bag each, mine even looks like I paid attention. I've plotted out the route for our Geaster egg hunt with a trial run this weekend with friends, there's no room for error. Mary Berry has provided us with a recipe for an actual Easter cake with 11 balls of marzipan on top, one for each of the disciples (not Judas, she tells us, because, and this is my guess, he's off betraying a marzipan Jesus somewhere!) We've baked a cake recipe this morning just to see if Mary's promise of "great result every time"  really are so, proof is in the pudding.

I am, in fact, writing this sat in front of my daughter's school. I've been here for half an hour, for some reason, I really want this holiday to get under way. Bring out the panting spaniels, as far as I am concerned, I've got pointy elbows, gonna get my child first from school for this holiday even if I have to push and shove. This Easter holiday is in the bag baby, it's all a bit nuts.

I think it's some latent thing from my childhood that's rearing its head, I remember sometimes being the last child waiting, the excitement of the holidays and the things that came with it. Now I have The absolute want to make some things tradition for us all to look back on, and I think cake and pick ups are a great starting point. So, to anyone reading this, enjoy your holiday, maybe it'll be traditional maybe it'll be totally nontraditional, either way, balls out has to be the best way, doesn't it?

Mums to Bitches!

I know I know, can't get away from the slang, but it's very much a case of once you pop you really can't stop, it's all I can think about. Have my older daughter rapping "we're lovin it, lovin it, lovin it, we're lovin it like that..." on the school run this morning when we were very late and stuck behind a tractor who was having to negotiate illiterate, mouth breathing mothers who can't drive.

Beside the point. The point is, I have come up with an idea for a telvision programme that I think will make most mothers chomp at the bit with excitement, could be fathers as well, but then the title would need tweeking, it's still very early stages, anything is possible.

So, here's the idea, a sort of cross between The worst place in the world to be a... and Pimp My Ride, except instead of pimping cars we'd absolutely be pimping people. To explain, take a mother, me for instance and send her off to do something completely and utterly away from the day to day. So, we'd probably have Gaby Roslin and Chris Evans or Ricky Gervais as the presenters, they would say, this week we have Marelka from Salisbury, Marelka loves cooking and eating and hates mothers that drive badly on the school run and people who don't pick up their dog poo. She has two girls aged 5 and 3.5 and in her spare time... What spare time? For three weeks Marelka has agreed to leave her husband and two children and head to New York where she is going to shadow Trixie Skinny tits and become a lap dancer. The show will then follow the three weeks and by the end you'll see how it all goes. It doesn't have to be a lap dancer, it could be Deborah Meaden, she's a bitch, or a farmer or a taxi driver, just has to be something different that you become ace at or you have to go home. Might not be one mother, might be a team of mothers trying to be one thing, that would give it more of an edge.

As I have said, it is very early days, but if you are interested in becoming a mother bitch or father bitch, let me know, we can see if this one has legs and Channel 4 might go wild for it, in which case I'll need people to sign up or it won't work, I can't do it every week, might get boring and the children need care and attention, the dogs gone deaf so he can no longer fill in.

It's got to be worth a try, hasn't it?

Mother's Day

From what I can gather I started this post about a year, possibly two years ago and I got no further than the title, that's just how I roll. So, given that that time is nearly here again, thought I might really get something down, as I seem to be on an actual roll in the way I roll...

This Sunday, as most of you know, is Mother's Day. Yet another day where Moon Pig and Clinton's and other such places are ringing in the bucks. So, what are we all actually looking for on a day like this? I am pretty sure, that I can confidently say, that my mother would have loved a card, probably even a phone call, she'd have hated, and I totally understand why, us to come around hassling her for attention. She had the right idea, we were brought up by nannies, then videos then boarding school and videos. Children weren't to be seen or heard as far as my parents were concerned and sometimes, just sometimes, I really do understand that practise. 

My two have been very secretive about what they have got planned for me, I know that for my "special day" they have been to the pottery shop with daddy and they haven't painted me a butterfly cup with wings for handles, nor do I know that they have got me a plate. The eldest hasn't made me a massive card and she didn't work on it today at "choosing time". How touched was I, when she told me that "today at choosing time Mummy I worked on your card, got to get it finished for Mother's day. " Out of all the things in the world she could have chosen, she chose to work on the card for me! I was so chuffed I actually stopped the car in a line of school traffic, turned round and told her that she was the greatest thing ever, her sister didn't agree so they ended up thumping  each other til they cried, but there was a moment and that's enough. 

It also happens to be my birthday this Friday, I am going to be 18 again, which is nice, because I actually really liked being 18, one of the best years of my life. Anyway, I also know what I am getting for my birthday, and that's great, as I am the sort of person who makes it her mission to sniff out surprises so that they aren't surprises. But I digress, Mother's day. 

I think for me, now, the perfect Mother's Day would be one where my children are bed ridden, they're always so much nicer / more manageable when they're ill. Firstly they sleep A LOT, secondly because they are asleep so much they actually want for very little and so are also very quiet, and those two things mean that I can do whatever the mood calls for. To begin with I'd sneak around guiltily keeping quiet so as not to disturb them, but then boredom would set in because you aren't actually free, you have to be at home to tend and nurture. I'd read home improvement and decorating magazines, I'd probably cook because I like eating, not because I'm a good mother. I'd try and throw all their toys away and all our stuff away because I really want to get to a semi minimalist state, where anything left is either essential and or VERY pretty. I'd probably have some lovely coffee and be about a stone lighter for the whole day so I could eat whatever the hell I liked and not put on a pound, then when the children did get up, we'd sit down together as a family and have some amazingly favourite supper. They'd sit still for all three courses and eat and say things that were thought provoking and lovely, then they'd clear away everything and I'd go to bed and watch The Best Marigold Hotel.  That's a Carling Mother's day.

Instead we're going to feel guilty about our mothers, mine because she's dead and my husbands because she's manning the world on the Isle of Wight as far as I can tell. The children will no doubt behave worse than they have ever done, or like normal, only I'll perceive it to be worse because I'll be expecting the Carling Mother's day. My husband and I shall eat loads and celebrate my birthday for the millionth time and Mother's Day simultaneously and whilst we're stuffing our fat little faces we'll wrestle the children to the ground, if needs be, to force food down them that they absolutely do not want because we'll have fois grased them with bits and pieces before. I'll probably have to set fire to (see Going Gangsta) most of the house and have bitched, niggered and hoed to very little avail. 9 milli beside me I'll have to down pints of gin and juice whilst ploughing through the bubonic which will inevitably lead to me spending the night with my head down the loo. It's just one of those days in the calendar that we're all thankful for.

I sincerely hope that all of you pass a relaxing and child easy day and that your mothers and their mothers are taken care of in a way that they truly deserve. Imagine where we'd be if there weren't any children, and therefore, if there weren't a Mother's Day, can you Adam and Eve it?

Going Gangsta

It, as usual, has been a while since I have sat down and done this, but I think something like this takes time to formulate, you can't just rush into these things and expect them to be taken seriously. Two people may, as my statistics show, actually have clicked on for a look at this before I had quite finished or indeed got beyond the title, you're keen, and I am sorry that I didn't get this to you earlier, but here we are.

In this New Year, I have grabbed the bull firmly by the horns and taken to moving swiftly and inelegantly round the countryside with the poor accepting dog. We are doing the C25K challenge and hopefully in another 6 weeks or so we'll be ready to tackle our first 10K run. Luckily, during this time my youngest is at nursery and my eldest is at school so I am not saddled with responsibility for those 20 minutes. During this time I have rediscovered the music from my youth, and that is how I got to the title and current reason for this blurb.

It would appear that the easiest way to "get rich or die trying" is absolutely by going Gangsta. The likes of Snoop and Dre, Eminem and to a greater or lesser degree the likes of Beenie Man, Bounty killer, Tanya Stephens etc, they seem to all be doing rather well and they all express things that I shall go on and try and help you all with too.

Everyone you meet, as far as I can tell, absolutely has to fall into three categories. They are either a nigger, a bitch or a ho. I think who you put in these categories is very much up to you, but can I suggest that good friends and family be put in the nigger category, teachers, other children's parents and village clergy be put in the bitch category and anyone else you happen to meet can like totally be a ho. For instance, when addressing your friends on the phone, just answer with a "my nigger!" and the rest of the conversation will flow naturally from that. Your children can be greeted at the school gates with an almighty holler of "lil niggers", don't be alarmed by the looks you get, they'll all be doing it soon. Parent teacher meetings will go far better when you sit yourself down, having walked with a limp to the desk, and hi five the teacher with a salutational "bitch" or "ho", you don't want to be over familiar in these situations, so for Christ sake work out which one it is before you use it or you'll come a cropper. In those situations you might need to reach for your 9 milli or brolly, depending on what you have to hand, it's not set in stone yet as we're at the very early stages of gangsta.

I realise that diletanteism has taken over and here I have only really covered salutations which might leave some of you confused. Apologies. So, for the sake of progression, I thought I'd also provide you with an example of the use of nigger, bitch and ho in a more general domestic situation. So here goes. You are in the kitchen with your children, possibly mashing potatoes for their tea, then parent brain strike and you can't remember then name for potatoes or masher / ricer (depending on how you do your potatoes). Simple, just aurally deploy "oi, lil niggers, please (no need to slip on manners!) can you pass me the bitch to mash the hos with!" simple, you don't even have to think, unless you forget the three words, in which case expletives will work just as well!

With greetings out the way, I think we can now turn to clearing up. Most children hate this past time, they'd far rather make a massive mess and ignore it, until someone else comes along and can ignore it no more so tidies it all away. This is where we are going wrong. The rastas have it on this one, you just "bunn it" or for those who aren't au fait with the lingo yet, it means burn it. Yes, if your children won't tidy away, just burn the mess, set fire to the lot of it, that way, it's no ones problem, it's gone and done and they'll probably never do it again. They won't be able to at first as all they'll have to play with is charred embers, but what doesn't kill you, and you must be very careful of this (not to kill your children), absolutely makes you stronger. Take 50 Cent for instance, he's been shot a few times, yeah he walks with a limp, but he's alright, that's the main thing. This can really go for anything. If your children won't get dressed, after you've burnt their toys, you'll only need to pull out box of Swan Vespas and they'll get the message. ANYTHING, eating, cleaning their teeth, making their beds, it's simple, just don't be caught without fire about your person.

Apparently, according to Snoop, and I think Gin and Juice has been the most influential in the concoction of this blogg, it's perfectly fine to be sipping on Gin and Juice throughout ones daily life. Doesn't matter if you don't like gin, there are other alcohols fo sho. It's important to know what the day ahead holds. For instance, if you are having to maintain like you are a responsible adult, i.e turning up to pick up your children from somewhere or drop them off, you don't want 99 problems and a bitch not being one of them, so you're probably better off choosing the Endo or bubonic chronic. You'll be less obviously out of your mind in any of the above situations and that is probably for the best, if you don't want the "mother fucking law" in your rear view mirror or anywhere else for that matter. Jay Z can help you with any of this.

Once you have all of this down, your children will become 100 times more manageable. They'll take on these character traits, and gansta themselves into adulthood, whereupon you won't have to worry about them any more, you'll be on South Beach in your wife beat watching other niggers, bitches and hos get rich or die trying, and so life will go on. Seems simpler already, doesn't it? 

Torture

Happy New Year to you. I sincerely hope that your Christmas and New Year passed with much tranquility, calm and serenity. That your children made you proud and you now realise that the good lord put you on this earth for one reason and one reason only, to be a beacon of parenthood as your offspring show the world just how it's done!

A New Year, a new you. This is the great thing about a new year, you can really draw a line under all the mistakes and ensuing hell of last year, reflect on the good things, resign yourself to excellence and trot forward, (with fanfare, or bagpipes, depending on preference) into an unsullied, shiny, hopeful new year. Which brings me to the title of this blog.

I like, very much, to see torture as a two way thing in our house. We are tortured relentlessly by the actions of our children and in return, once push has become shove, we torture back.

I know that most of you, by now, will have picked up a copy of the book I mentioned in my last nonsense, "How to Talk so They Listen and Listen so They Talk..." you'll have absorbed from front to back cover and now know how to create a well rounded, well conditioned human being. I know a friend of mines husband has his book very safe, very safe indeed, he doesn't want to lose it. It's a step, he has a copy and unlike The Bible, or Fifty Shades of... you can't find one in every room in every establishment in the world. Keeping it safe is an absolute must. As always, I digress.

You'll notice, that in the book, there is no reference to torture. I don't know why, I am writing it now and going to send it to them to see if they can fit it in somewhere, it's an absolute essential in my mind.

This holiday my family moved 3 times. We upped sticks, packed boxes and made our way into the unknown. We have settled now, have been in our house for a period of time that I can't quite remember and don't have the time to get my toes out to count, but it's about three weeks. My eldest daughter is now 5, I too am older, as most people are, but it makes no difference, I came to the very end of a fairly short and gnarly length of tether 3 days before the end of the school holidays and I took the Oracle, Holy Grail, font of Knowledge book and metaphorically, ripped it up, spat on it, stamped it into the ground, poured inflammable liquid over it and set fire to it in an instance. I, hands down, was one of the worst parents that have ever lived.

Both my eldest and my youngest had taken to acting like I had expired " please don't do that, could you manage to pick that up? Can you please help Mummy or Daddy with... That'll end in tears and other such platitudes were met with nothing, not even a tiny reaction. Table manners, etiquette and anything resembling non savagery had completely vanished. In its place was brattish, uncontrollable hideousness from a planet I had no care for or knowledge of. The children that we had sweated blood over had vanished and in their stead were gargoyles of Beelzebub from a place just outside Mordor. I cannot paint the scene vividly enough, because it makes me sweat just conjuring the images in my head.

So, what did I do, I set fire to the sacred rule book, lowered my voice to psycho bitch level and hurled the venom of a thousand hells at my children. Detail here isn't needed, I am ashamed and I know that I have scarred, certainly my eldest,for life. But it was the buffer that had been unrelentingly moved over and over again and I wasn't having it. I think for their sake, I needed to tell them that, BECAUSE they no longer listened to anything Mummy or Daddy said, they were going to live with someone else, someone who they would listen to, as I didn't want to spend the rest of my life having to shout at them to get them to turn their heads and at least look to be listening. I didn't give up, I didn't even feel cruel when the tears and panic came, once the realisation dawned that I meant business and they were off. This, was real life torture. Luckily their father came home and saved them from the jaws of their mother and the promise of another life away from home.

I am not proud of this, this was not my crowning moment as a pathetic example of a parent, but it seems to have done the trick, balance has been restored, listening ears are on a little bit more than off, routine has returned and I am keeping my copy of "How to Talk..." right next to the bed. I cannot condone this, but perhaps, just every now and then a shot across the bough is what they need, too much rope and they'll hang themselves, not on my watch. I love the little terrors, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, don't you?