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Sunday, 30 January 2011

Before or after? That is the question!

So, the other day, I was in my house, in my usual state. My eldest, at 3, was teaching the youngest, at 18 months, to darn, my partner was putting up shelves and sorting socks and making sure that the house was running smoothly, and I was whiling away the time with thoughts of puppies and the new Good Housekeeping chocolate fudge, marshmallow and minus calories muffin that I was about to bake. When low and behold, the other half got down on one knee and asked if I was available to put down said Good Housekeeping recipe and get married some time in 2012...? I duly obliged with the recipe book and accepted the ring... that eventually turned up once darning fingers had been quelled, shelves had been returned to flat and cupcake creases had been pressed and ironed and returned to something worth competing about. You'll understand that none of this is true, apart from the proposal, it just seems that people might imagine it this way?

My husband to be and I have been through A LOT. The children, the separation, the christenings with massive family divides, births, deaths, friends and relations and we're here, possibly at every one's true relationship beginning. But does that make sense? Should you buy before you try? Should you have children after you've "sealed the deal"? Surely the deal becomes more shaky after you've had the children? Thus making it less binary?

I know that the fact that I have been proposed to means a lot to me, because we, as individuals have been through divorce (not in courts and not legitimately) but because we have GENUINELY hated each other. We've had children, two lovely children, and hated the living daylights out of each other.

There are people who've never been on a date, there are people who've never stopped being on a date, there are those in, out and amongst those who have done something and nothing of the sort. But how many have had children and then got married? I think about this, I know a few and I remember that when I was young the very notion made me shudder.

I however have, thankfully, fallen into a category that means that I can comment, THANK GOD! The man that I am marrying has had 2 children with me, therefore, he knows that I am satanic, that I don't want to have sex when he wants it, that we have done something better than that, that our girls are here to do better than us, that we've been through the very hardest, worstest, most hideous journey of them all (speaking relatively, I cannot presume that our relationship's worst is everybodies worst, comparably!). We've done it, we're on the other side and that which may or may not come, will be the very best that we have to offer. Either that or we'll ACTUALLY be divorced and this will mean nothing!!

So, therefore, I ask. Do you get married before or after children? When children change everything that you know do you get married then have them or have them and get married?

Also, can I just quickly say, congratulations to Esther, who reads this ridiculous musing, and has had a happy and sound baby to add to her brood. Good luck, congratulations and may you get to sleep full nights as soon as is humanly possible. Keep us up to speed!

1 comment:

  1. Hello,
    Congratulations to you both, what lovely news!

    Thank you for your good wishes, I am currently living in a parallel universe where I get no sleep and fret about poo, sick and routines whilst desperately trying to avoid the evil that is the Health Visitor. I am hoping to be back on the real planet earth in about 6 weeks or so depending on whether I can get this darned routine thing nailed (you'd think by baby number three I'd know what I am doing but I don't).
    I do have an opinion on your subject of choice today but it seems that when the surgeons removed the baby they also removed my brain and I can't put the words together to say what I want to say so will say nothing other than congratulations again and I look forward to keeping in touch with the real planet earth via your blog.
    Hmm....planning a wedding will make for plenty of amusing stories I am sure!
    Take care and keep up the good work, you are keeping me sane in my mad little bubble